Elena's Journal

Monday 22nd July

Dear Diary,I believe that there is true love in the world.
I really do.
After seeing the love letters my grandfather gave to my grandmother and how adorable each word was.
I truly believe that there is someone out there who is madly in love with you.
I will wait and I have hope.

Thursday 7th July

Dear Diary,
Yesterday was my prom, 
High Rocks was an amazing place.
Filled with fog by early sunset,
Woodland everywhere,
It was hard to enjoy the scenery at the beginning
I was scared out of my skin!
I thought people would laugh at me.
But no, every-time I turned around, I was told I was beautiful.
There were a few people I wanted to hear that from.
But sadly, I never got to hear it from them.
My ex crush told me I was beautiful & when I went to bed that night,
It played over & over in my brain.

Does that mean I still love him?

I can question it all I like.
 But I have to look for the signs & I will not let my heart win.

Maybe this holiday around Europe will clear my head.
Give me some inspiration on views on life.

I need it.
I need it way more than I thought I would.

I would love to spend the summer with my friends.
But there is a whole world out there that is waiting to be discovered.

I'm ready to explore it.
Turning every corner, 
Tasting all kinds of different foods.
Running my little fingertips on every engraving.

Goodbye home.
Hello World.

Friday 24th June

Dear Diary,
I feel trapped inside this house,
I've been placed in a small room for the time being,
I feel like the walls are closing in,
and I can't breathe.

Outside everyday is just clouds, wind and rain.
This isn't the summer I was hoping for as a kid.
I was hoping for music, friends, parties, twinkly lights
Like the ones you see in shows and movies!

But here I am, indoors, reading a book, playing video games
and barely any contact with friends.

I hope this all changes when I go to college.
I really do.

Sunday 12th June

Dear Diary,
My total theory on having cheese before bed giving you nightmares,
and reading a horror story with it is 100% true.
That was probably the worst thing I have seen and felt in my entire life!
Everyone I ever cared about gave up their lives to protect me 
and It never even came to my mind to say to them "No".
I think the worst part in my dream was realizing that my mother had died
and I never thanked her for anything she ever did for me and my family. 
I felt it, I really felt that pain of never praising her.
Judging by the little water patches on my pillow, 
I'm sure I was crying, inside and outside of my dream.

When I woke up, I burst into tears.
I actually thought my mother was dead.
I thought that it was too late to say sorry for any pain I have caused her,
I thought it was too late to thank her for the food she places on my table everyday.
But then I told my self that it was only a dream; it was only a dream!
As of that, I will hug my mother, my father and my brother all day 
and thank them for everything they have ever done for me.

This dream has opened my eyes.
Despite the fact that it scared me, I couldn't be more grateful for it.
We should all be grateful for our family.

Monday 23rd May

Dear Diary,
Today was the last day of school.
Time for change.
Time to take in what the world has to offer in it's people and it's knowledge.
New education, New people, New transport, New responsibilities. 

My parents think that I'm upset because I'm leaving my friends behind.
Of course I am, they've been there for me from the beginning,
and I couldn't ask for anything more!

But that's not what's bothering me.
I don't know how to react to this last day.
Should I be happy? Should I be sad?
I'm just stuck on this rope and It's just tugging on both of my arms until they explode!
I've never felt so confused about my emotions before.
But, I know now that I have to just close my eyes, take a deep breath and keep going.
Because that's all anybody can ever do.


Tuesday 10th May

Dear Diary,
Tonight I was an extremely sad episode of my favorite show.
I cried. 
I didn't think I was going to cry, because not many films or television programs can make me cry.
But this one did.
I cried because a lot of my favorite characters died and a few others nearly died.
But that wasn't what made me cry.
I cried because of the funeral scene.
I've never been to a funeral.
Not even my grandmothers.
My mom thinks that I wouldn't be able to cope with it all.
Did she know how hard it was to sit there in complete silence in your grandmothers home?
Pictures strung up on the wall.
Her perfume glued to every inch of the house.
Her sweet dessert left in the fridge ready for me and my brother.
That was haunting.

I would rather sit in a room with all of my family, 
with beautiful music playing over her coffin,
and sunlight beaming down onto her gravestone.

And since those last two days, all I can ever think about it how she forgot who I was, and when I went to kiss her on the cheek, all I gave her was a kiss on the nose.
I never gave her the goodbye she needed.
And just watching that scene, I imagined thats what her funeral must of been like.
It was sad but also beautiful.

I miss her so.

Tuesday 19th April

Dear Diary,
Yes, It's sunny outside.
Yes, everyone's happy.
Yes, we're all excited about the summer coming.
So, why do I feel a twinge of sadness.
I know I woke up today crying.
Why today?
Why has this sudden sadness swept over me like a blanket?
Is because of the boy who drowned near my home?
Is it because he went to my school?
Why did I have a dream with my recently deceased grandmother in it?
Why do I keep thinking about losing everyone and becoming lonely?

These are the questions that I know that will never be answered.

For once, I would love someone who would always be there.
Lay next to me at night.
Smile their beautiful smile.
Hold me close all the time.
Be there even when I say I want some time alone.
Someone who is like a Salvatore brother.

Thursday 31st March

Dear Diary,
Some people say that I look nice with a smile and that I should wear one more often.
So, the other night, I was practicing on my smile.
After a few tries I got the hang of it and thought that it suited me well
This morning however, I got into a big argument with my mom. 
Which I now regret ever happening.
My smile was washed away.
Now, I have forgotten how to smile.
I've forgotten how to move the cheek muscle's upwards to form a smile.
I feel like just fading away.
But not too sure how.
I don't exactly want to die.
But I want to somehow... become invisible.. disappear from lifes stresses.
But how do I do that exactly?
I think spending some time outside on my own in the woods will do me some good.
The fresh air will be cleansing.
It will cleanse my mind and sort out the thick knots which have been created.

At least I hope so...

Friday 25th March

Dear Diary,
I think it's time for a change.
Before, I followed a stereotype and listened to a certain type of music.
I fell deep into that stereotype.
Way too deep.
I feel heavy, dark and isolated.
Today I've realized that what screamo music can do to people.
That's why people act like that.
I've decided to make myself light, happy and surrounded with friends.
Not more sad thoughts.
I'll listen to soft slow music.
Yes I will read horror based fiction.
But that is the one thing that makes me happy.
Yes I will wear dark colours.
The reason being is that neon colours (or scene as some people call them) do not suit me at all!
It's time for me to take a deep breath, face my fears and take the world as it comes.
I will focus on my dreams.
I will be with my friends more.
I will be happy.
I will get the guy I like.
I will be happy despite the fact that it will get tough.
I mean, that's all I can do.

Tuesday 8th March

"Someone once told me, a way to stay true, is to surround yourself with good people"

Dear Diary, 
I've just come to the thought that,
you shouldn't change for anybody.
Why fall into a stereotype?
Sure, it's okay if you want to dress and do your hair like that stereotype,
But make sure that you don't go overboard with it.
I fell deep into a stereotype and I even started acting like it.
Leave the categories, for film and music.
Not your lifestyle.
So what if your a guy with long hair and tattoos.
Some people may find it unattractive.
But it's what you love. It's makes you whoyou are.
Someday, someone out there will love you for you, not your stereotype.

For example, I fell into the stereotype known as "emo"
That's why I slipped, because I wanted to be a part of something.
Now, I realize how stupid it was. But I feel like I belong in that stereotype.
That just shows how deep I have fallen.
But when I look back at how I was only a few months ago, I realize what I've changed myself into.
But, I'm going to try and smile more, be more confident and maybe even fall into the stereotype known as "Scene"
Some people say "Emo" and "Scene" are the same. They're not.
I would list the difference's between the two, but I'm trying to move on.

So never change yourself for someone or to be a part of a group.
It will only ruin your life.
I mean that.

Saturday 5th March 

Dear Diary,
Recently I have slipped,
I have gone down and depressed and I admit that I have fallen into completely the wrong stereotype.
But this has happened before and the only thing that brought it back up for me was The Killers.
Why did there have to be stereotypes in the world?
Why did I let myself get that out of control with it.
I just listened to a song called Desperate one of the lyrics are:
"I wish I was myself again."
That got to me the most.
I could feel my heart sink.
I miss my old self.
I miss being happy, I really do.
But because I have fallen deeply into this stereotype I'm finding it hard to get out of it.
I need someone or something to help me get out of it.
No, I am not going back to therapy, that was just a waste of time.
I think maybe listening to The Killers again might be a good start.
I welcome this change with open arms.
I really do.

Wednesday 16th February

Dear Diary,
For some reason,
changing my personality and thinking things through before I make my choices,
really improved me today.
I now have two goals:
  1. To get my dream guy
  2. To learn to talk slower
Even though today, I wore dark clothing, 
I was extremely happy.
For whatever reason that being I thank it.
But whenever I get too happy, Elena's quote comes back into my head:
"I'm scared that if I let myself be happy for one minute, 
that the my world's going to come crashing down and I don't know
if I'll be able to survive that." 
personally I think that quote is true.Whenever I am at my happiest, there's always something,
 even if it's a little thing, it could ruin my whole day and I know that it's going to turn into a disaster.
The only thing I can do right now.
Is close my eyes and hope for a sweet dream.

Tuesday 15th February

Dear Diary,
One thing today, ruined it for me.
I'm not going to write it on here...
mainly because the person who upset me, checks this page out.
So It's best to keep it on the down low.
But just having him on my mind has cleared it up completely,
despite the fact that his face has been distracting me in all of my lessons.

On the other hand, changing the subject.
Whilst watching a television show, I noticed how they always have someone there,
who looks after them through the rough patches
It made me think, who's going to be there for me on March 12th?
Would the one I care so much for be there for me?
I wish. I plan for him to be. But I will keep my hopes low.
Just to clarify things.
March 12th is the day that my grandmother passed away.
I never got to say goodbye. The last time I said goodbye to her, was when she was in hospital, bruised, confused and miss-used, she couldn't see me, she didn't even know I existed, I went to kiss her on the cheek, but she was so confused by everything around her, that she turned her face and I kissed her nose, she smiled at that.
 But I wasn't allowed to go the funeral. 
Instead my parents said I had to stay at her home. 
Even though I never really got to say a real goodbye to her.
 It was nice to breathe in her scent. 
Every time I smell that on someone. 
I smile at all the memories behind the perfume, 
and remember what a wonderful woman she really was.

Monday 14th February

Dear Diary,
Ever since year 3 I have disliked this holiday.
Valentines Day.
I've never received a valentines card.
I used to go home and cry.
But now looking back on it, what the hell was I crying over?
A little bit of card with words that might not even mean a single thing after it's over.

But today that all changed. No I did not get a valentines card. I didn't want one.
But that doesn't mean it should ruin my whole day.
So instead, me and my friends made valentines cards and gave them out to random people at our school.
Strangely enough, I could feel the warmth and happiness from everyone.
We received hugs and even got bundled a few times.
But isn't that what valentines is about? Showing people you care and seeing the smile on their faces, it really brightens your day.

But there was one person who I really wanted to give a valentines card to and maybe even a small hug.
The guy from the fall. My Salvatore.
I'm planning my birthday this year to be a small dinner party with four other friends.
If he served us that night. That would probably be the best birthday in the history of birthdays.
Although come to think of it. I have dreamt about him a few times. 
Sometimes it's of him collapsing and other times it me going missing and he's the one who has to rescue me.

I wish he could get out of my mind. But I don't want him to.

Monday 24th January

Dear Diary,
When you were little, did you ever make a wish in hope that somehow
it would come true?
At the moment, just look backing at what I've written in here,
for example "To find him, in the fall." I did, I wanted to find someone
like Stefan Salvatore in the fall and I have. 
Sadly we are not together, no matter how hard I try.
But, the place in which he works, we're getting pretty close with his work mates.
The other night, he was talking to my parents, then he came to the bar which was where I was standing,
Every muscle inside my body had to pull myself away from grabbing his hand and holding it.
He's on my mind 24/7.
Every time my parents say we are going to the place where he works,
I get butterflies, I start shaking.
It's unbelievable, I've never felt this way about someone before.

I hope he is the guy from the fall.
I'm guessing my theory works.
 Dream. Plan. Wish.

Friday 14th January

Dear Diary,
We went back to the restaurant tonight.
After talking all day to one of my friends about what to do,
like saying "Hi" and smiling, I just couldn't.
But write now, my legs are like jelly and my stomach is filled with butterflies,
It only lasted a little while, but I looked in his eyes as he walked past and he looked into mine,
I felt a shock wave of happiness come over me and this has never happened to me before,
but if you have ever watched a show called "Scrubs" you would know that the main character J.D 
has visions of what he would love to happen but doesn't, that's what happened to me tonight,
when he walked past and looked into my eyes, I had a vision of me grabbing his shirt, pulling him towards me
and kissing him, my hands twitched to move, But I had to hold them there...

Even though it was a few seconds we looked at each other...
My whole day has been made.

Wednesday 22nd December

Dear Diary,
I have not written in a long long time.
I'm sorry for that.
It's just I've been busy with everything at school.
Photography: Exams, preparation, photo-shoots.
Media: Exams, planning for filming, filming.
It's just trying to get everything together in one piece and rolling smoothly which is the hardest part.

But on a different subject,
It's our first christmas without grandma.
It will be strange. Even though she was always the quiet one there,
it will be just like a silence.
R.I.P Violet Dennis.

A few months ago, I wrote about the guy in the restaurant,
saying how I wanted to find out his name.
Well I found out his name.
Sadly his name is not Stefan.
His name is Dylan.
I'm a very observant person and before I never noticed but I saw he was wearing a name tag.
Of course when he walked away, I told my mom with some excitement that I found out his name.
She looked at me stunned.
I'm not even sure why she was stunned.
But that night it was a little embarrassing because my family kept making jokes about Stefan and kept doing vampire
For example, my brother did his Count Von Count impression and he was near, it was horrible.
I hope he didn't notice it at all.

I haven't been back there in weeks.
If we went on Christmas Eve and he was there, that would probably make my christmas.

Friday 26th November 2010

Dear Diary,
I can not believe I haven't written in so long.
Sorry for my absence.
Why is it, when you finally have one good day or night.
It has to be ruined by a rumor or by someone's temper.
Life is difficult.
But we have to break down this wall,
instantly making us stronger for what ever comes next.
This is all I'm going to say now - I need to think things through -
Never Give Up.

Tuesday 16th November 2010

Dear Diary,
sorry that I haven't written in a while,
I've been busy.
And a part of the occupation is because, 
I think I might of found him.
My Salvatore.
Believe it or not but he looks like Stefan.
In fact his way's are even like his.
The way he stands with his hands holding behind his back.
That serious yet sexy face.
Even the greeting nod with that smile.
It's unbelievable.
I'm not even sure if he likes me back though.
I don't even know his name.
But hopefully, this weekend - Saturday I think - 
we are going to the restaurant where I met him.
But this time, after some advice from a friend,
I'm going to try a little harder to talk to him.
I think I'm just going to say "Hi" and smile.
Maybe he wont even notice 
and it's just my heart believing
what it wants to believe.
As the Paramore song goes: 
That's What You Get When You Let Your Heart Win

Thursday 4th November 2010

Dear Diary,
I just want to spend the rest of my school days,
being left alone, by teachers.
I don't like pressure.
Because when I'm being put under pressure,
I say everything wrong.
I can hear the spoiled "popular" girls laughing at me.
I hate it.
If only I had someone who is close to my heart,
to look after me.
I can't sit around, waiting for him to come to me.
I have to go to him.
It Autumn. 
The time I want to meet him.
At least I hope I do.

Wednesday 3rd November 2010

Dear Diary,
I felt like Stefan Salvatore today.
Confident but patient.
Listening to people's words, when they are in pain.
Stopping fights.
Protecting people.

I liked it.
I was a good feeling.
People owned up to me.
People who would never talk to me.
I was noticed.
But then for some reason I can't help but feel as though,
acting like this, is going to have it's consequences.
What do I do?

Tuesday 2nd November 2010

Dear Diary,
How can one secret
turn into so many other secrets.

Everyone is telling me their secrets.
I can't tell anyone about my friend's secret.
For one thing it's to depressing and for the other it's disturbing.
One girl, Mollie, told me a big secret.
I can't tell anyone because of the consequences.
Besides, I know more people who are like her.
But  I can't say.
This is too hard for me.
That secret, just pushed me over the line.
I mean, it's a dark secret.
Deadly secret.
I can't handle secret's anymore.
My mom looked suspiciously at me tonight.
So to make her think I'm Ok.
I ate two plates of food.
Because usually when I'm worried, I eat less.
I can't tell her, because she would think that I'm going crazy
or I'm just a big fan of something and she would think that I'm overreacting,
assuming that I just say someone is something, just to get my hopes up.
I'm not.
And I know the truth.
I can't even write the secrets in my diary.
If someone stole it.
It would be too dangerous.
I feel like crying right now.
What do I do?

Sunday 31st October 2010

Dear Diary,My holiday was great.
It's Halloween.
My favorite time of the year.
It's only one day that spirits can rise from the dead.

I'm not entirely sure why I love it so much,
but I do.

Hopefully, today  -or if it  gets dark, tonight-
I will find my Salvatore. 
Lurking in the shadows.
Waiting to grab me.
Hold me.
Maybe even bite.

I know this sounds ridiculous and crazy.
But everyone is different.

Dreaming and planning, is all I can do for now.

Wednesday 13th October 2010

Dear Diary,
This is completely strange.
I'm am beaming with joy.
I've never felt this way before.
I feel warm.
I like this feeling.
I'm not sure why this emotion has decided to come upon me.
But what ever it's reason.
It's a nice feeling.

I'm sure It won't visit very often.
But I want it to come back soon.
I like it.

I'm going on holiday soon.
Hopefully, my dream man, will be there.
Waiting for me.
With a half-smile on his face.
Just like Stefan Salvatore's.

Tuesday 12th October 2010

Dear Diary,
I always say this to one of my friends, before I tell them, what I want to say.
I tell them 
"This may sound stupid but..."
and after I tell them that sentence, I always say 
"I want someone like Stefan Salvatore"
And they always reply the same way.
They always tell me that it's not stupid, because it comes from the heart.
And the whole reason why I want someone, like Stefan.
Is because, I'm afraid I'm going to make all the wrong choices.
I'm afraid that, I'm going to end up with someone, who would abuse me.
I don't want that.
I want someone like him.
Caring. Sensitive. Sweet.
Not a bully.
But hopefully, when I'm away on my two week holiday in Florida.
I can only hope. I will find him there.

Sunday 10th October 2010

Dear Diary,
I woke up today, like everything, is filled with warmth and happiness.
I felt like I was comfortable with everything.
Like everything was going to be Ok.
I planned my day out today.
Surprisingly it worked. 
I got everything I wanted to get done.
There were no aggravations or arguments.
Which is an improvement.
And I stand by what Elena wrote in her diary.
" All you can do, is be ready for the good. So when It comes. 
You invite it in because you need it. I need it."
Yes. I do need it.
Him more like.
The guy I like.
The guy I dream of.
The guy I want to meet in the autumn.
Yes. I would love this.
I need him.

Saturday 9th October 2010

Dear Diary,
Ever since I've been planning things out.
Things have gotten better for me.
I think you just need basic facts and the common sense to put two and two together,
to understand something complicated or hidden in the shadows.

I've been planning. 
How I will get my dream man.
My latest plan?
To find him, in the fall.
A beautiful time of year. 
The perfect time of year.
Bright and cold.
Perfect for romance.
Perfect for love.

Sometimes, we look at ourselves in the mirror, and pick things out that we don't like about ourselves.
I say we should look away from the mirror, and embrace who we are.
Because at the end of the day. The person we dream of. 
Will love you. For you.

Friday 8th October 2010

Dear Diary,
Today was good. 
I felt warmth all around me.
From my friends and my family.
I am happy.
And that rarely comes to my emotions.
I've spoken to everyone.
Laughed with the ones I hate.
I feel like I've taken a big step in life.
Tonight, people were looking at me with a strange look on their face
 because I was wearing a boys varsity jacket.
I love wearing boys jackets.
And that reason?
Is because it makes me feel like the boy of my dreams has leant me his jacket.
I sat in the car, thinking about my dream man, putting his arm around me, keeping me warm, 
and letting me close my eyes on his shoulder. Safety and Comfort.
Yes. I would love this in a guy.
It might take some time. But I will not give up.

Thursday 7th October 2010

Dear Diary,
Today was much better than I thought It would be. 
For some reason, I woke, feeling like today was going to be a disaster.
But it wasn't. 
I mean, I felt relaxed today.
Not stressed. 
I was worried about the Spanish Oral Exam, but when I got into the classroom. I was relaxed.
The teacher told me, that I can't do the exam today. Then I was beaming with joy.
I don't know. Maybe this whole plan and dream thing, is actually working.
So my advice for today, would be :
Set your goals. Never give up, because in the end, you will get what you planned for.
My plan?
To get my dream guy.
One who care's about my feelings. 
One who will not make me cry. Even if it is the truth.
One who will not abuse me.
One who will look after me and say to me "It's Ok, I'm here and that's all that matter's, We're safe now."
I want him to kiss the top of my head and hug me for eternity.

Wednesday 6th October 2010

Dear Diary,
Today was different.
At school I was happy. For once.
I didn't care what people thought and just got on with my life.
It felt good coming home, with a smile on face and not a care in the world.
Until I got home and found out that people are using my account at school, just to get on to a social site.
But I don't really care at the moment. Because I have a few Ideas on who it might be. 
I guess my mom was right. I should never trust that girl. 
I will keep on digging and digging until I'm 100% sure it's her. But in the meantime, I will just have to change the password on my account.
I am going to push all the bad things away. Out of sight. 
I should plan things. 
And with all the planning, I will find someone in the end, who will listen to my words, feel my emotions, hug me, kiss me on the top of my head and say "it's Ok, I'm here," and I want them to look deeply into my eyes and say " And that's all that matters "
Yes. I would love that.
All I can do, is dream and plan. 

Tuesday 5th October 2010 

Dear Diary,
I can't cope. I'm getting way to stressed out
with teenage life. I need to find a way out.
Could I possibly set a routine for myself ?
Or do I take the advice my councillor has 
given me? Take a deep breath in for seven
seconds and breathe out for eleven seconds.
I'm not sure what to do anymore.
I need someone to talk to.
Someone who will listen to my words
exactly and will understand, instead of 
someone just saying "mm" or giving a little
laugh. What I say, is not a joke. I want to be taken seriously sometimes.
I need someone to tell me, that it's all going to be Ok in the end